‘This is all out of my control, there is not much I can do’

28 April, 2022 | By Ingrid Fuchs

I contacted the clinical nurse specialists in Bath yesterday, asking if the surgeon still wanted to see me today. I kept the phone all day with me, but they rang when I was in the shower. I’m not keen in contacting them as I know that they are very busy. Sort of feeling guilty if I have to. It is strange to be on the other side and feeling dependent on professionals.

So far in my life I always have been some

body with lots of ideas, fantasising about the future. In my head I had planned my retirement, either moving abroad or having a winter holiday home with less rain. On the other hand, my husband never has made future plans or looked too far ahead. Carpe diem – seize the day – is his motto. I guess I have to adopt that attitude.

I saw the surgeon today, it was just an introduction. She examined me and said that it was hard to believe that the lesion was 2cm, she thought it was smaller. I will be going for a lumpectomy and lymph node clearance when the time comes. She strongly advised me not to go to the gym anymore because of the sharp increase of Covid-19 cases.

If I caught Covid-19 it could interfere with my treatment, for example it could delay my surgery for six weeks or delay my chemotherapy overall. Reluctantly I have cancelled my membership, I will miss it, as it was part of my routine during the week.

I had a massive dip a few mornings ago. I woke up in the night wondering how long I wouldn’t be able to run after lymph node clearance. I know on the whole it’s probably not a big deal, but the idea of not running for four to six weeks is a big thing for me. It could even effect me for a longer duration if I get problems with shoulder movement or lymphoedema.

Anyway, I felt very sad that morning and I could not hide it from my husband and son. Another thing I should stop doing is reading the statistics, they are not very promising and they always make me feel worse. They also don’t reflect my specific battle as everybody is different. This is all out of my control, there is not much I can do.

However, it is hard. Today I read on the Facebook site for women with triple-negative breast cancer that some women felt pain at the tumour site after one cycle of chemotherapy and that the tumour started shrinking very quickly.

I've had three cycles now, the oncologist, surgeon and radiologist all asked me if I still could feel the tumour and yes I can, I don’t think there is much change. However, on Wednesday my new chemotherapy regime starts, maybe that will be more successful. It is Christmas in a few days, I've had so many nice cards and messages. I’m sometimes overwhelmed by all the support I get.

Christmas was great, all the kids were home, we had a lovely time. We also spent time with friends, which was good. Not much time to dwell on the big C, because of the distractions I was having. My new cycle of chemotherapy started today, just before New Year's Eve. Carboplatin and paclitaxel. I have never seen it as busy as today in the chemotherapy suite. All the chairs are filled and some people even had to go back to the waiting room due to a shortness of chairs. Let’s see how this regime will work for me.

This blog was originally published in the Nursing Times. Many thanks to them for sharing Ingrid's story.