'I need to find a new balance in life'

29 September, 2022 | By Ingrid Fuchs

Friday, I went back to work and I loved it. My work colleagues are like my second family and I really feel like a fish in water there. It was great to feel normal for a moment, to see patients and make sure that they get the best possible experience.

I had a few chats with colleagues and talked freely and openly about my

cancer. I could see that they had to compose themselves and stay strong for me, which is so nice, but I’m sure it is difficult too. This has been the best workplace for me, and I just would have loved to carry on working for a while.

I’m hopeful that the immunotherapy will help to stabilise the cancer for a while, that

would be great. If not, it will become more and more difficult, even to work 1 day a week.

Before starting treatment today (immunotherapy and chemo) I did a 12 km jog/walk. Running has become more and more difficult, so I’m walking a lot. This time it feels like it is not the effect of the treatment but purely the cancer.

I’m deteriorating quickly. Only four weeks ago I felt so good that I was able to run 16

km without much walking. I had so much more energy. I just hope the treatment is going to make a difference.

It’s interesting to see how people react when they see me. Almost everybody comes up to ask me how I’m doing, but there are also a few nurses I worked with in the past who avoid eye contact, pretending to be busy. I do understand that people can feel uncomfortable seeing me as a patient, but I would much prefer if they just would come up to me instead. I suppose it takes a bit of courage to do that.

I’m sorry that my blog is perhaps not the nicest story to read and I’m sure that some people perhaps are starting to give up on it, but that is fine! I need to be honest with myself and others and write down how I feel and experience things. Of course, everybody is different and not everyone is as open and blunt as me.

Most of the time I am still ok and happy. It helps that, more and more, I am living in the present and trying not to think too much about the future anymore.

After three weeks of treatment, I’m having a week off. The chemo and immunotherapy have had a bigger effect on me than I had expected. In a recent blood test, my liver damage indicators are almost three times as high as they should be. Luckily last week it only went up a tiny amount, but they still had to reduce the chemotherapy dose by 20%.

It definitely has an effect on me, I feel bloated most of the time, as if I

overindulged at an all-you-can-eat buffet. I take some painkillers now but even a single ibuprofen at night makes me break out in sweats so that I now have to change a towel and three pyjama tops every night.

My energy levels have dropped a lot too, I have to take breaks in between everything I am doing. I need to find a new balance in life.

This blog was originally published in the Nursing Times. Many thanks to them for sharing Ingrid's story.