‘I have so many random thoughts’

21 April, 2022 | By Ingrid Fuchs

I’m hoping that my neutrophils are going to be OK, as they were on the low side last time. I can’t completely relax this afternoon, half expecting a phone call telling me that I need to have a repeated blood test on Monday. I hoping this is not the case. I’m trying to do breathing-guided meditation, staying in the moment and not focusing too much on the future as that makes me sad. It’s sometimes hard, especially at night when I can’t sleep and begin to overthink. Running, walking and watching films are helping me too to stay positive.

Luckily my neutrophils were fine (1.9) so I went ahead with the chemotherapy, still epirubicin and cyclophosphamide (AC), as they didn't manage to get the other chemo ready. It has been a bit easier this week to cope with sickness as the medication has been slightly adjusted. It has helped to continue longer with the anti-sickness medication and changing one for another one. I occasionally feel nauseated at night but this goes away after I eat something.

I know that I feel slightly better, because I can think further than just surviving treatment. Dangerous too, especially when I start thinking about the 'what if' questions (usually about what if chemotherapy doesn't work etc). My colleagues kindly gave me a jar of love with positive notes from many people, which I can read whenever I’m not feeling very well. The truth is, the only time I enjoy reading them is when I’m feeling not ill, otherwise I’m not interested.

I have so many random thoughts. The other day I went for a coffee with my husband and I saw a woman in the cafeteria in a wheelchair. It made me think, would it have been better if I would have been in a wheelchair as I then would not have had this insecurity of me going to survive this illness or not.

Another thought came up when I saw grandparents with their grandchildren. I have never been really interested in having them, as being a grandma would make me feel old. But now I feel like, it would be sad if I never have the opportunity to have them because I wouldn't live long enough.

Another regular thought was could I have felt this lump earlier? Did I not pay enough attention to my body? As a family we did have a few rough years, first my mum died during the Covid19 pandemic and I was not in the Netherlands when it happened. We went to visit after she had passed to arrange the funeral.

The end of the same year my daughter had a break from university because she was dealing with some serious mental health issues. My husband and I were very worried about her and I remember going to work finding it hard to function. I still think that I could not have picked up the lump much earlier but I cannot be 100% certain. Anyway, if it were my speaking to my patients, I would always reassure them that worrying about it doesn’t help.

My children came home in time for Christmas, but my daughter tested positive for Covid-19. She is isolating in her room for 24 hours and only coming out to go to the toilet and have a shower. The rest of the family is doing daily lateral flow tests and we did a PCR test yesterday. Luckily I was negative.

This blog was originally published in the Nursing Times. Many thanks to them for sharing Ingrid's story.