‘I am positive but also realistic’

13 May, 2022 | By Ingrid Fuchs

I have decided to be honest in the blogs and write frankly about all my feelings and thoughts. So here it goes. I have had a cough for a few days and straightaway my mind goes to lung metastasis. Of course, the breast care nurse in me says, “If the cough is there for more than three weeks, then I should report it to the oncologist,” but I can’t help but worry.

I had a telephone appointment with my oncologist and I asked him a few questions about 'what-if' scenarios and life expectancy. His aim is to continue on with the chemotherapy unless the tumour grows, in that case it would be better to have surgery. If I would be in the category of the one in five who is resistant to chemotherapy then there is a 60% chance that the tumour comes back but also still a 30-40% chance of being cured, which is higher than I expected.

In some cases there is a lot of scar tissue but you only can find that out after surgery. All in all, I felt a lot more positive than when I got up that morning. After developing the cough I felt slightly rough for a few days, but luckily I didn't have a temperature and felt OK the days after, ready for the next chemotherapy. I had my ultrasound to check if the tumour was shrinking. My son asked me in the morning if I felt nervous, but I wasn't.

My work friend who also happens to be my radiologist did the ultrasound and I was excited to see her. The tumour shrank 3.5-4 mm which is good news. Can I still have a full pathological response? That’s what I’m hoping for because that would reduce the chance of it recurring significantly.

My family and colleagues are asking me on a regular basis if I’m not bored from being at home all day. I used to work 36 hours a week and because I lived far away from the hospital, I had days of more than 12 and a half hours.

Weirdly, I’m not bored. I keep the mornings busy with exercise, housework and food shopping. The afternoons I try to relax, listen to podcasts, and at present I’m watching a Dutch programme called I Miss You. It’s about people who are losing a loved one, their stories and their view about life and death. It’s about people of all ages dying, sometimes after a long illness, sometimes after a tragic accident. It comforts me that everybody at some point has to go through it, no exceptions made.

Religious people believe they will go to heaven and they will meet other loved ones who have passed. It must be easier if you believe that but for me it is: if you are gone you are gone. You live on in your children and in nature. Some friends say “Stop thinking about all those things, you are going to be cured, be positive”.

I think I am positive but also realistic, and I don’t want to avoid the subject. I’m so pleased that I’m able to write these blogs and that they will be published. It gives me a boost, a new purpose, and something to work on while I’m ill and at home.

A colleague at work texted me around 5pm this afternoon, asking how I was. I probably would have answered this question differently this morning after a good night's sleep, but by that time I was tired and didn't have much energy anymore. I had bought ingredients for a new recipe I was going to try out, but by the time I had put it all in the oven I was exhausted.

This blog was originally published in the Nursing Times. Many thanks to them for sharing Ingrid's story.