‘How can I be positive and hopeful after this news?’

07 July, 2022 | By Ingrid Fuchs

Now my chemotherapy has finished I have decided to go back to work, just once or twice a week until my surgery. I really like to have some normality back in my life and to feel useful again. I’m happy that the breast care team understands my needs and has let me come back.

My white cells are very high, I’m definitely not immunosuppressed. I suppose the biggest risk is Covid-19 at the moment. I will keep my distance from everybody and wear the safer FFP2 face masks. I’m still quite anxious because if I develop it, my surgery will be delayed by seven weeks. My three daughters have come home for Easter, they do go out, so I have asked them to test themselves for Covid-19 on a daily basis.

I have developed cording in my axilla. Another term for it is axillary web syndrome, a rope-like string in the axilla, which in my case is mildly sensitive and can lead to restricted movement. It seems to happen more often in active people with a lower BMI and more commonly after lymph node removal or sentinel node biopsy, when they check if the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes.

The question is, is this only cording or are there more cancerous cells in the armpit too, because there is also some swelling. If that is the case it’s not good news. I’m fretting about it. Luckily my scan is in a few days, then I will know.

I felt really sorry for my colleague and friend who did the ultrasound today. She had to tell me that not only did the tumour grow, but that there are multiple abnormal lymph nodes too. Basically, the chemotherapy didn’t work and actually the picture looks far worse than at the start of treatment. I’m still hoping that I will have surgery and radiotherapy.

The breast care team can also decide to give me a CT scan first, to find out if the cancer has spread to other organs. Then it’s questionable if it is useful to have surgery at all. It will be discussed at the breast meeting on Wednesday and the surgeon will call me afterwards, but I expressed that surgery would be my preference.

It was hard to tell the children about the tumour growth and lymph nodes, as nobody had expected this and my husband and kids were in shock. I’m just feeling sad, I thought that the lump hadn’t shrunk but I had not expected many more abnormal lymph nodes.

My husband and I went for a walk in Wells, just feeling a bit dazed. I texted my friends, colleagues and family the news too, and felt horrible that I have made everybody sad. How can I be positive and hopeful after this news? Now the next waiting game starts again, on Wednesday I will hear what the next step is. Until then I will be trying to live like I normally do: running tomorrow, walking Monday, working Tuesday, but I’m not feeling it at the moment. I did an 18km jog/walk today with my friends and like my friend said, running takes away the sharp edges of the roller coaster of emotions. I felt slightly better after the run, thinking about other treatment options.

But I am so sad for the children, they are all going to have exams soon and my son is by himself in Singapore, having a hard time. Luckily we speak a lot on FaceTime. We even spoke at 5am this morning after I had woken up.

This blog was originally published in the Nursing Times. Many thanks to them for sharing Ingrid's story.