‘At the moment I just feel restless’

21 July, 2022 | By Ingrid Fuchs

The surgery will stay on 26 April. They have looked into bringing it forward but there was no space at all and, in the grand scheme of things, it probably doesn't make a difference. I’ve had a few difficult days and for the first time felt frustrated and angry. The waiting is very hard, I’m most worried about the lymph nodes that can’t be taken away with surgery. It will be at the very least five weeks before they will be radiated, which seems like a lifetime. I will discuss this with the oncologist.

In my mind I have done the surgery already, the CT scan and the outcome of it are on my mind. If anybody would say to me now "Don't think about it, one step at a time," which I probably would have said as a clinical nurse specialist myself, I would get angry. Well meant but completely unrealistic if you are in the situation yourself. At the moment I just feel restless, going out for a run every day certainly helps.

It sometimes might look like I didn’t look after myself. But I really think I did. I always checked myself but honestly all of a sudden this tumour was there. I had it all checked out within seven days and started treatment very quickly too. I had two ultrasounds in between to see if the tumour was shrinking as well, so the oncologist was keeping a close eye on me too. It must have been around the second cycle of the carboplatin/paclitaxel that the tumour stopped shrinking and then at the end started growing again. Well, it is what it is, but you keep evaluating these things in your head.

My nurse revalidation is due at the beginning of September. You basically have to prove that you are fit to practise by showing you have worked enough hours and done enough training, giving scenarios where you have reflected on your practice. You need to get your portfolio together every three years and sometimes you are chosen to send it all off to the Nursing and Midwifery Council.

I have already done quite a bit of work on it but I’m not sure where I will be in September, hopefully back at work but I’m not 100% sure. I phoned the NMC to ask for an extension. I explained my situation but they told me that I could only delay it for six weeks and afterwards it would lapse in whatever circumstances I am in. I was a bit shocked as I hoped that they would have a better understanding and be more lenient. I’ve finished it now and it’s ready to go, but I’m still slightly disappointed.

One more week before I have surgery, I really want the time to fly, so I keep busy with long walks with my husband and sometimes friends. I just don’t want to think too much anymore but I realise now it is living towards surgery, then it will be the oncologist with histology results, then the CT scan and so on. My life has changed so much, I wish I could go back to it knowing how precious it is.

My husband, myself and a group of friends had a lovely day at the Somerset levels, watching birds and walking and we finished off with a nice lunch. Both my husband and I experienced it as a very relaxing day.

As I was watching TV in the evening, I felt three little nodules in my left neck area, straight away the relaxed feeling was gone and replaced with being restless and unsettled. I’m worried and I think I’ve got good reasons to be. The waiting is, as I mentioned before, difficult. I made a deal with myself not to prod around anymore, I only make myself more anxious.

This blog was originally published in the Nursing Times. Many thanks to them for sharing Ingrid's story.